Nearly all parents commit one great error in raising their children and are completely unaware of it – the error of praising their children for being ‘smart’ or ‘intelligent’. ‘Well that doesn’t sound so terrible - What could be wrong with it?’ - you might wonder and ask. Admittedly, parents only mean good by praising their child for his or her intelligence. They believe that their praise serves to boost their children’s confidence, empowering them to take on academic challenges with the conviction that they have what it takes to succeed. Interestingly however, extensive research over a few decades has shown that such praise actually has quite the opposite effect; it ultimately results in low-confidence, an unwillingness to take on challenges, and the inability to properly cope with failure, which every student, and for that matter every human being, inevitably faces at one time or another. Far from being empowering, praise of a child’s intelligence is undeniably weakening. It really isn’t difficult to understand why. Just think about it – what does failure mean for a child who is repeatedly told that he is smart? To such a child, it means that that he actually is not smart, that he actually doesn’t have the innate ability to succeed, that he actually isn’t ‘good enough’. Failure shakes their confidence at their core and results in a self-defeating attitude. Children who are accustomed to hearing that they are smart easily concede defeat in the face of difficulties. Naturally, such ‘smart’ children become inclined to avoiding risks and steering clear of challenges, lest they discover all over again with each devastating failure that they just are not that smart after all. So, whatever you do, don’t praise your child for being smart! Instead, praise them for effort. Praise them for trying hard and for employing good strategies to solve problems. Just a little adjustment in the way you praise your child can have remarkable effects. Consistently praise your child for the persistence he shows, and your child will start viewing and reacting to failures and challenges differently. Failures, instead of calling into question his whole self-concept of himself as a smart kid, will only motivate him to try harder and find ways to succeed. When children are praised for their efforts and steely persistence, failure is no longer a reflection of innate ability; it is only an indication of a lack of effort. When children believe that a lack of effort, not a lack of inborn ability, is the cause of failure, failures will motivate them to try harder, to struggle, strive, and find a way to rise to the challenge. Ultimately, children who learn to respond to failure in such a positive way develop into high achievers, not only in their academic life, but in life in general. Underlying this notion of praising our children for effort versus intelligence are two views of intelligence: the view that intelligence is fixed and the view that our intelligence can be dynamically developed. If our children think that their intelligence is fixed, difficulties in school are only indications of innate deficiencies. However, if intelligence is deemed an attribute that can be expanded, then challenges are only opportunities for growth, not to be feared, but treasured. With all this said, take great care of the words that you utter next time your hand reaches to pat your child to encourage them. Instead of saying, ‘you are smart – you got a great score on your math test’, try saying, ‘you tried hard to solve all those practice problems; you didn’t give up, but kept thinking about them until you found the solutions…great job!’ Or on a writing assignment, you could say something like the following, ‘You did a great job of editing your writing after you finished the first draft. You carefully and repeatedly examined your writing, and replaced poor words for better words and caught grammar mistakes. As a result of your effort, the final product was of great quality’. Praising your child in this way will shape him or her to be a person who embraces challenges, who views failures as opportunities to develop, and who enjoys learning for learning’s sake. Such a person will surely be successful in any endeavour!
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